Love, Life, and Loss

I am awake tonight, exhausted, but sleep evades me. My family is going through tough times, my immediate, and my extended. This is a contemplative and reflective time in my life.

Last Thursday afternoon, the world lost. The world is still the world, minus one of the sweetest souls I have ever had the privilege to meet, and for that soul, I grieve. My cousin, my grandmother's niece, Judy, passed away today after having a long and grueling surgery Wednesday. The surgery lasted fourteen hours, and her body simply did not recover. She lost a battle, and we lost what Heaven gained.

Judy was my mother's first cousin, so my second. We have not spent extenuated time together, but I love Judy so very much. I am so deeply saddened for her sister, for her children, grandchildren, cousins, and aunts. My grandma was her aunt, but only four years her senior, so they were more like sisters or close cousins.

I am sad for Judy's closer relatives, but I am also sad for myself. I am sad that I will never hear her laugh again. Her laugh was beautiful and contagious. I am sad that I can never make her laugh again. When I'd crack a good joke, how I loved to see her face light up, and her eyes squint in delight until tears shimmered at the corners. She was a light-hearted soul who did not take herself too seriously. Everyone loved her, and she will be forever missed.

Once again, death makes me rethink my life. Once again, I vow to myself that I will do better. I will cherish my Gram so that when the day comes, I won't have regrets. I will foster good relationships between my kids and their elders, because I know I am better for having known so many who are no longer with me. I will relish the moments I spend with my family. I'll soak in their laughter, let it permeate to my very core. I'll take pictures, whether they want me to or not, and I'll be in pictures, whether I feel fat or ugly or not, because someday, I hope someone looks at my pudgy, smiling face and says, "I just want to feel her squeeze me tight again. I just want to hear her laugh again."

I guess that is all for now. I just want her to squeeze me tight again. I just want to hear her laugh again. Farewell, sweet, sweet Judy.