That Is Your Box. I Have My Own, Thank You.

I was inspired today by a friend, and inspired by a couple of friends and family members during this past week. They all, in a sense, said the same thing to me. I was in an eerie zone in my mind, a tunnel, hearing these words in different phrases and voices, echoing, saying the same thing, reading them like floating graffiti. "Just be you. No one should have to subdue or hide who they are for someone else's comfort." "Maybe that is what you're supposed to do. Awareness starts with one." "I love you for you." These people lifted me up, and they had no idea how much I needed it. I am grateful.

Sometimes, we, at least I think I speak for many here, hesitate to call ourselves artists. That's what I am, but I still hesitate to say that sometimes, afraid that people will look at me and be skeptical of my level of talent and skill, afraid people will look at me and roll their eyes, thinking that "being an artist" is an excuse for my shortcomings or eccentricities. We, and I speak for artists who feel the same as me, are expressionists. There were many impressionists, painting their impression of the world around them. I am an expressionist. I do not just paint, so painter is not a good classification, nor is photographer, writer, or poet. Maybe that word has been coined before, but I have never heard or read it. We express the feelings we have within ourselves, and the feelings we feel for others and broader worldly situations. Expression. Expressionist.

I express myself, on impulse. I am impulsive. Is this a gift or a curse? Both, I suppose. The fact is that people with strengths in some areas have weaknesses in others. It's a balance. For every thing at which I excel, there are many things at which I am deficient, inadequate, or struggle. While my creations of written, photographic, or artistic nature may be beautiful, inspiring, thought provoking, or wonderful in any number of ways, my impulsiveness carries over into every part of my life. I impulsively clean like a mad woman...but cannot manage to keep anything in order consistently. I have to keep myself in check not to spend money impulsively, especially when I do not have it. I write with ease when I am inspired to do so. I photograph and process pictures quickly when I am inspired. However, writing consistently, or getting photography jobs done that I am not excited about are as difficult for me as keeping my dishes and laundry done.

I seem to feel things with more intensity than many people do. I feel joy. I feel pain. I get overwhelmed. Not only my own pain and joy, but also the pain and joy of others. I feel. I ask myself, "Do 'normal' people struggle like this?" Well, I am normal, and I am not. Many things I have read say that I am typical of an artist. I am normal in that realm, I suppose. The same aspect of my being that allows me to write, photograph, and create in an effective manner, allow me to be inspired, also make me compassionate, excitable, quirky, eccentric, susceptible to depression and getting extremely overwhelmed, susceptible to be affected by the anguish of others, and ultimately be consistently inconsistent.

I feel that everyone is gifted in at least one area, and everyone struggles. While my natural state of being is like that of an unstable molecule, at risk of coming apart, constantly bouncing around, it is not an excuse for me to bound fecklessly through life. People can tell me that I am good, and they can tell me that I am going to be okay, that I am going to make it, but at the end of the day, I see what I have not accomplished. I see where I struggle. I see those shortcomings, and I let them be a road block to my success. It is a struggle for me to be consistent, but I must struggle to overcome this in order to be successful.

When you see someone who does not do as well as you, do not look down upon this person. You do not know their journey. You do not know their struggles. You do not know where they have been nor where they are going. There is something at which they excel more than you. Do not try to fit yourself in their box, and do not try to cram them into yours. That causes nothing but pain. Love people. See the good. Lift people up. Your words matter. "Variety is the spice of life." "It takes all kinds." Seeing the good in others does not shade the good in yourself. It illuminates it.

Several people this week have inspired me, to do what I do, inspired to be what and who I am, and they have inspired me to drive on. I have to clean house. I have to get my children to school on time. I have to complete my homework. I have to get my oil changed. And, I have to be me. I have to struggle, and I have to conquer. We all do.

Sometimes I write what I call "blurbs." Diana Gabaldon, my favorite author, calls them nuggets. They are little things that pop into my head that may not have a place at the moment, but I feel they are valuable. Eventually, they will work their way into some work I create in the future. Here is one.

"She danced in the rain. It rinsed away her burning tears, chilled her skin, hardened her nipples, set her soul ablaze - anew, and painted a smile upon her face. She was alive."